


Cat and Mouse

by woakiees



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: F/M, but what do you expect from a svu fanfic, poor sonny is so heartbroken, so much angst you're gonna need some tissues, there's some blood and some violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-24
Updated: 2019-12-04
Packaged: 2020-09-25 22:42:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 19,290
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20379325
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/woakiees/pseuds/woakiees
Summary: She wasn’t staring into a pair of baby blue eyes — eyes that never failed to make her feel safe and loved and protected. She wasn’t even staring into a pair of brown eyes that she knew belonged to the man before her; a man who was no stranger, but was certainly no friend. No, she was staring down the metal barrel of a gun.





	1. Prologue - Chapter One

**OCTOBER 16TH**

It was just after eight o’clock when she finally made it home from work, a deep sigh escaping her lips as she let herself fall back against the front door for just a moment, eyes falling shut as she felt the exhaustion begin to settle deep within her bones. It really wasn’t much later than usual, even though she was technically supposed to leave at five every day. There had been plenty of nights where she had been forced to stay at the precinct well past quitting time, and she knew that there would be many more longer nights to come. But she was just so tired, and she wanted nothing more than to curl up on the sofa with her favorite blanket and the takeout she had picked up from a sandwich shop down the street.

Well, there was one thing that she wanted more. She wanted to be snuggled up with her husband rather than a furry blanket, but he was still at work, stuck at the precinct for God knows how much longer. When she had left for the night, it seemed as if he was nowhere near being finished. She knew it was going to be one of those nights where she would be lucky if he returned home before she fell asleep.

She had gotten rather used to it, though — falling asleep without Sonny. It wasn’t ideal, and if she were being completely honest, she probably would’ve preferred being stuck at her desk until midnight if it meant that she got to look across and see him sitting there, just as bored and tired as her. And she _would’ve_ stayed had he not practically forced her to leave.

Another sigh escaped her lips. She pushed away from the door, sauntering into the kitchen and throwing her takeout bag into the fridge. She wasn’t ready to eat just yet. Really didn’t want to eat without Sonny, though she knew she would cave after taking a shower.

She turned on a few lamps around the apartment before making her way to their shared bedroom. She unclipped her utility belt, grabbing her gun and double-checking to make sure that the safety was turned on before placing both in her bedside table. For a moment, she considered skipping both her shower and dinner and just crawling into her warm and cozy bed, but she knew that she would be mad at herself in the morning for not at the very least rinsing off.

She quickly shed herself of her clothes, walking into their closet and throwing them into the hamper that sat in the corner before heading to the bathroom. She grabbed a towel and washcloth, set the shower to the perfect temperature, and then stepped in underneath the warm spray, letting her shoulders relax for the first time that afternoon.

A content groan left her mouth as the hot water ran down her body, soothing her aching muscles wherever it touched. She leaned her head back, closing her eyes and wetting her hair. She stood there, completely still for several moments, relishing in the feeling of finally being able to relax. The only thing that would make it better was if-

She heard something move in the bedroom. And while the initial noise of a drawer being slid open scared her, she soon let herself calm as she heard the jingle of keys. Every night without fail, Sonny would throw his keys and his gun into his bedside table, just the same as her. And, she was almost completely positive that she had locked the front door, and she knew that she would’ve heard someone breaking in, even over the sound of the shower.

“Babe? Is that you?”

He didn’t answer. She frowned, her first thought being that something happened down at the precinct that left him upset. It wasn’t an uncommon occurrence for Sonny to be in a foul mood for the first half hour after arriving home.

“You wanna come get in the shower with me and tell me what happened?”

Again, he didn’t answer. She merely shrugged, turning to face the front of the shower, getting ready to turn the water off when she heard the bathroom door creak open. Seconds later, she felt a small breeze hit the back of her leg. She watched as the shower curtain fluttered before slowly sliding open. She smiled gently, standing to face her husband, beyond ready to pull him into her arms and kiss him until the morning light pulled them away from each other.

She turned, but it wasn’t Sonny she found standing behind her.

Not even close.

She wasn’t staring into a pair of baby blue eyes — eyes that never failed to make her feel safe and loved and protected. She wasn’t even staring into a pair of brown eyes that she knew belonged to the man before her; a man who was no stranger, but was certainly no friend.

No, she was staring down the metal barrel of a gun.

Fear, hate, panic. Those were the emotions that coursed through her veins in that moment.

And then her world went black.


	2. Chapter 2

**OCTOBER 17TH - DAY ONE**

There were police everywhere. Sonny is sitting on the edge of their shared bed and he can’t stop shaking, can’t stop bouncing his leg to at least give the impression that he still has some control left over his body. Olivia is saying something to him — words of comfort that will do nothing to soothe his racing mind and his aching heart, but he doesn’t listen. Doesn’t even pretend to. He knows that she can tell, but there’s no way that Olivia can act even remotely annoyed. Not now.

Sonny is so so lost. All he can think about is the pool of blood, what he knows has to be her blood, on the bathroom floor and the fact that she’s not curled up in their bed like she should be at this time of night. She’s not there to give him a kiss hello. Not there for him to hold. She’s not there and Sonny has never in his life felt so completely helpless.

Never in a million years did he imagine walking into such a grizzly, vicious crime scene within his own home. The blood, the shards of glass from the broken bathroom mirror. The shower curtain torn from the hooks, shampoo bottles scattered across the floor. Once steaming water still running, only now ice cold, another unwanted reminder that he had been too late.

She had put up one hell of a fight, that much was clear, and Sonny felt disgusted at the pride that swelled in his chest. Disgusted, because for just a moment, the pride outweighed the worry.

Tears began to swell behind his eyes, but he pushed the self-loathing down, because his own feelings were the last thing he needed to focus on in this moment. He would be selfish later, when the lights were off and the apartment was empty. Only then would he let himself cry, and _God_ would he cry. Cry and scream and pray and then scream some more. He would curse at God for letting this happen to her, and then pray again and again and again until his voice went hoarse.

No, he wouldn’t focus on his own feelings right now, because he needed to focus on finding her.

Facts, he would focus on the facts.

Her gun was missing, though nothing else seemed to be out of place. Her badge was still clipped into her utility belt which was still stowed away in her bedside drawer. The small safe they kept underneath their bed remained untouched. Her jewelry box hadn’t been moved as far as he could tell.

Sonny just didn’t understand how something like this could happen. Didn’t understand who could hate her so much that they would resort to kidnapping her. A former perp, perhaps. Someone they had put away for a few odd years. He made a mental note to check the database for anyone who had been released in the last few months.

He could feel his blood begin to boil as the initial shock began to wear off. _God_, he was angry. So, so angry. The love of his life, his reason for existing was missing and hurt and all he could do was sit there and try his hardest to answer question after question that was thrown his way by the detectives — their co-workers and their friends.

He suddenly understood why victim’s families grew so agitated with him during the initial questioning.

And right now, Sonny was stuck between a rock and a hard place, because he was a detective and this was his job, and something that he saw every single day — something he knew how to deal with. But, more importantly so, he was her boyfriend and she was_ gone_, and he had no idea where to even begin.

He heard Nick say something about finding blood out on the fire escape. Sonny tried to think of the surrounding buildings, and if any would have cameras that might have captured anything at all. He thought about the coffee shop on the first floor of their building, but they were still hours away from opening. And judging by the amount of blood on the bathroom floor, she didn’t have hours.

Sonny slammed his hand against the mattress in frustration, causing the squad to all glance at him in concern and worry, though they all stayed silent for several moments.

“She’s strong, man,” Amaro said once the silence became close to unbearable. “We’ll find her. You hear me? We’ll find her.”

“Nick,” Amanda mumbled in response, almost as if she were chastising a small child.

Sonny knew why. He knew that Amanda was thinking the same thing that he had just been thinking of. They both knew what her chances of still being alive were, and he knew that they were not in his or her favor.

But Nick seemed so sure of himself. His conviction and his drive made Sonny curse under his breath, because he knew that he should be the one spewing words of optimism and hope. If anyone should have faith in her ability to survive, it should be him. And so, he refused to let himself think that way. No, he definitely would not let himself fall into such a low place so soon into the investigation. There was still a chance, and there was still hope, and Sonny would hang onto both until he had her in his arms once more. He would cling to it until someone forcefully ripped it out from under him, and even then, he wasn’t entirely sure that he would give up.

“He’s right,” Sonny finally spoke, his leg still bouncing, though faster than before. “We’ll find her.”

Nick smiled reassuringly, and Amanda frowned disapprovingly.

Olivia couldn’t bring herself to say anything. All she could do was nod once and try her hardest to keep her frown from turning even more sour. She was angry, of course she was. Her employee, a member of her squad, her _friend_ had been taken. Olivia knew that none of them should even be anywhere near the case, but she also knew that Sonny wouldn’t allow for anyone else to oversee it. As long as they all remained professional, she didn’t see an issue with keeping the squad on.

Nick was the first to break the uncomfortable silence. “Come on, let’s get you out of here.”

Sonny looked up at the other detective, a protest or question, could have been either, pursed on his lips, but Nick didn’t give him the chance to speak before he was talking again.

“You can’t stay here, man. Not tonight, at least.”

Sonny only frowned, but Rollins nodded in agreement.

“He’s right.”

Everyone could see the apprehension on his face. What if she came back in the middle of the night, hurt and scared and looking for him? He wouldn’t be there when she needed him, for the second time that day, and the thought made his stomach churn and the panic begin to settle back between his ribs, making it hard for him to breathe. He began to shake his head aggressively, like a toddler when they don’t get their way, when Olivia spoke up.

“I’ll stay here and keep an eye on everything,” she said, almost as if she could read his mind.

Sonny met her eyes, seeming to search for something within them, though she wasn’t sure what. Honesty, maybe? She could understand why he wouldn’t be the most trusting person at the moment. After a moment, his shoulders sagged even further, if that were even at all possible.

“Liv, it’s okay. It’s not like I’m going to get much sleep anyways.”

“You can at least try,” she argued, voice stern as if she were talking to a disobedient child. “You definitely won’t get any if you stay here. Let Nick take you back to his place.”

Sonny looked as if he were about to protest again, but his expression quickly morphed into one of compliance. Olivia nodded once, signifying that her order was final before excusing herself.

Without another word, Sonny stood from the bed, his legs feeling as if they would buckle beneath him at any given moment, and made his way into the closet. He grabbed a random overnight bag and stuffed a few sets of clothes inside, not really caring whether or not anything matched or whether they would wrinkle. He was just about to exit the closet when something on her side of it caught his eye. Sitting on the shelf, next to the memory box she had kept for so many years, was a stuffed wolf that she had had since she was a little girl. She had named him Nevada, though she could never explain why, and Sonny knew for a fact that he had been in the bed that morning, just like he had been every morning since Sonny could remember. She refused to sleep without Nevada, something Sonny had never once teased her for.

He grabbed the stuffed animal gently in his hands, and upon further examination, after feeling a cool brush of metal against his fingertips, he noticed something that made his heart stop and his blood run cold.

Her wedding ring and engagement ring both sat shoved onto the tail, impeccably polished and glistening as always. Sonny felt his head start to spin. He stumbled, catching himself on the wall behind him. He could feel the bile rise in his throat, and he dry heaved, his stomach not offering anything. He shook his head once, twice.

Who would take the time to leave her wedding rings behind? Not only that, but to put them on a stuffed animal and move that as well? Most would take the rings and pawn them, and not even glance towards a stuffed wolf sitting in a bed. It felt oddly personal and Sonny-

Sonny had a sudden realization. One that sent him pushing off the wall at a velocity that nearly made him trip over his own two feet. He came stumbling out of the closet, face pale and beads of sweat starting to form on his forehead, causing the squad to stop their conversation and all turn to him with a mixture of confused and worried looks.

“Her ex-boyfriend,” he panted, not realizing that he had been holding his breath until that very moment. “Bryan Kowalski. Complete lunatic. She had to file a restraining order against him after we got married.”

Nick was already pulling an officer off to the side before Sonny could even finish his sentence, giving the deputy strict instructions to run the guy’s name and gather all of the information he could, and to do it quickly.

“History of abuse in the relationship?”

Sonny inhaled sharply. He looked as if he didn’t want to answer, because he really didn’t want to. Because he knew that she hated to admit it to anyone. She had never wanted for the squad to find out that she had been a victim of domestic violence. She didn’t even want to tell Sonny, but when Bryan had started to wedge his way back into her life, she had been forced to. He never understood why she hated to admit it, but it was a personal choice that he had always respected.

After a few seconds of silently battling with himself, Sonny nodded, knowing that it was important information that he had to divulge.

A sigh escaped Olivia’s lips, a troubled look crossing over her face in the same moment.

“Looks like you’re not getting any sleep tonight after all, Carisi.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi hi! i hope you guys are digging this so far. if you're enjoying it, don't forget to leave me a comment and a kudos(:


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here's part 3! i hope you guys like this story so far. leave me a comment and a kudos if you want more!

**OCTOBER 17TH - DAY ONE**

The address that the deputy found is for an apartment in Princeton, New Jersey. Sonny briefly wondered when Bryan had moved out of New York, but he knew that it didn’t really matter. Nothing really mattered in that moment other than the fact that he was one step closer to finding her, and one step closer to making sure that Bryan never bothered another woman ever again.

Nick and Sonny were in one squad car while Olivia, Amanda, and Fin took up the one directly behind. Three police cruisers led the way, lights blazing and sirens blaring. Sonny’s head was pounding, though he knew that the lights and sirens had nothing to do with it. He had grown immune to both over the years. No, he knew that he was beginning to make himself physically ill from the stress and anxiety, but he also knew that there was no way that he could calm himself down. He knew that there was a bottle of ibuprofen stashed away in the glovebox that he could always take, but even so, he wouldn’t pop a pill to take the edge off, because the pain was the only thing keeping him grounded — the only thing that made him feel a little bit sane, and kept him from completely losing his mind. And not only was the ache keeping him there and in the moment, but he also felt as if he didn’t deserve to numb it. Because she was out there somewhere, without a doubt in more pain than he was even close to being in, and it wouldn’t be fair. He knew it was twisted, and that she would chastise him if he ever told her that his head had been in such a place.

Sonny glanced towards the clock, his chest clenching as he read the time. It was just after 3 in the morning. She had left the precinct at seven o’clock that night, and Sonny guessed that she had arrived home at around eight. He didn’t make it home until a little after midnight. For all he knew, Bryan could have already been in the apartment by the time she got there, which meant that she had been missing for seven hours already. Sonny didn’t like the thought of that, and the pressure in his head only seemed to intensify as he thought of all the different variables and possibilities.

He tore his eyes away from the glowing numbers, instead deciding to focus his gaze down towards his knees. The orange glow of overhead streetlamps gave little light in the tiny car, but it was just enough for Sonny to notice the dry blood that covered his pants.

He had stumbled upon entering the bathroom — had fallen to his knees, hand coming up to clutch his chest as he felt like the wind had been forcefully knocked from his lungs. He didn’t remember very much from the first hour after arriving home to an empty, bloodsoaked apartment. He remembered fumbling for his phone while still kneeling on the bathroom floor, and he remembered shakily dialing Olivia’s number. He didn’t remember what he had told her, or how long it took for them to arrive after he hung up, but he did remember that it had felt like hours when in reality, it had probably only been fifteen minutes tops. But did he even hang up, or had she kept him on the line? Had he been crying? He remembered Olivia placing a hand on his shoulder. He remembered her asking him what had happened, her voice far too calm for the given situation, and he remembered briefly wondering if she thought that he had done something to her. He remembered not being able to answer Olivia’s question, his words coming out a jumbled mess, and then there were arms, Amaro’s arms, hooking themselves underneath his, hoisting his body off of the floor and dragging him to the bed.

And then there was nothing for another hour. He didn’t remember what questions had been asked, or what he had answered. If he had answered. If they had found anything of importance. It was as if he had been asleep during this time, only waking when his irritation had reached a level that forced him to break through the haze.

Sonny continued to stare at the blood, trying his hardest to further piece together the events of the night, but he couldn’t. Panic started to creep into his veins once more. His skin started to burn, and he brought his hand up to scratch away the blood, though he knew that it was pointless. He knew he would never be able to get rid of the stain, no matter how hard he scratched or rubbed, or how many times he washed them.

His hand froze as soon as it came into contact with the fabric of his pants, his jaw clenching as he noticed the crimson caked around his cuticles. Under his nails. Settled between the lines that covered his palm.

After several seconds of staring, he retracted his hand, deciding to rest it on his stomach overtop of his NYPD vest, and finally looked away.

“How much longer?” Sonny asked, his voice cracking towards the end, though he made no effort to try and cover it up.

Nick briefly glanced towards the GPS, then towards Sonny before settling his eyes back on the road in front of him. “Any minute now.”

Sonny internally groaned, letting his head fall against the cool glass of the window. He had been quiet for the entire drive, and Nick would be lying if he said that he wasn’t just a little bit worried. But, then again, he didn’t think that he would be up to talk about the weather or what song was being overplayed on the radio if he were in Sonny’s position. He couldn’t blame him, but it was just so uncharacteristically Sonny, it was concerning. Disturbing, even. But he wouldn’t push. He knew that Sonny would snap if he did.

Nick hadn’t been lying when he said that they were just a few minutes out from the complex, and Sonny felt his pulse increase exponentially as the street sign came into view. Amaro quickly, and probably a little sharper than he should have, turned off the main road and came to an abrupt stop in a small, cop-filled parking lot.

Sonny counted at least seven Princeton PD cars, a SWAT van, and three ambulances. They had called Princeton as they were leaving Manhattan, Olivia giving strict instructions to call her back if they found _anything_, but as far as Sonny knew, she had never received a call. He was sure that she would’ve called him had they found her, would have told him to go to the hospital rather than the apartment complex. He could feel his hope slipping further and further away as he stepped out of the car. He didn’t see a coroner, so he took that as one good sign.

Nick called his name, but Sonny ignored him. He weaved his way through the crowd of officers, looking for any sign of her, or any indication that they had found something of importance. There were a few hushed whispers — a deputy telling an EMT that they were searching for a detective from New York, something about pictures, but nothing that brought him any sense of comfort. Amaro finally caught up with him, tugging on his arm in order to get his attention.

“What was the apartment number again?”

“311,” Sonny responded, his eyes still searching in the crowd for something, anything.

He cursed under his breath when the realization that she wasn’t there finally found its way past the denial. He let his head fall, his hand flying to his face as he pinched the bridge of his nose. His head felt as if somebody had impaled a metal stake through his skull, and he could feel his lungs begin to burn with the struggle to breathe properly.

Nick watched as Sonny struggled to compose himself. He wanted to comfort him, to let him know that everything would be okay, but if he was being completely honest, he didn’t know how. He gently, encouragingly slapped Sonny’s shoulder, effectively getting the other detective to finally glance up at him.

“Come on, let’s go take a look. Maybe they’ve found something.”

Sonny seemed to think about it for a moment, but then he nodded his head. He straightened his shoulders, took a deep breath, and nodded one more time before following Nick through the crowd.

It wasn’t hard to tell which apartment belonged to Bryan. A cop would enter, and two more would exit. The standard, yellow police tape blocked off a small perimeter around the doorway, and Sonny and Nick both flashed their badges to the attending officer before ducking underneath.

The small apartment was filled with law enforcement, and for some reason, Sonny felt very out of place. He frowned as the feeling settled deep in the pit of his stomach, but he tried his best to ignore it. Nick seemed to sense that something was wrong, because he stopped in the doorway, turning to Sonny with a concerned expression plastered across his face.

“What’s up?”

Sonny shook his head, his eyes roaming around the room almost frantically. He subconsciously began to tap his foot against the hardwood floors, a nervous habit he had never been able to shake. “I feel like I shouldn’t be here.”

“Why, because you’re her husband or because she’s not here?”

He took a moment to answer, seeming to weigh both options in his mind. “Both.”

“Listen, you don’t have to be on the case-” Sonny flinched at the word, but Amaro didn’t seem to notice. “-if you’re not comfortable with it. I’m sure Chief Dodds would rather-.”

“To hell with Dodds,” Sonny mumbled, a scoff falling from his lips. “I just feel like we’re wasting time.”

“Carisi, we don’t have anything else to go off of...”

“I know that, I’m just-”

Sonny didn’t know how to finish his thought. He was just stressed. Just worried. Just wanting nothing more than to have her back in his arms, safe and sound and protected.

“I dunno” he finished after another moment, a sigh falling from his lips as he shrugged his shoulders.

Amaro nodded, seeming to understand what Sonny meant even though he couldn’t explain it. “Let’s just start here, alright?”

Sonny nodded once, and the pair turned to start making their way through the apartment when they were stopped by someone wearing a PDP jacket.

“I’m assuming you two are from SVU?”

Nick nodded, outstretching his hand in order to shake it with the gentleman in front of them.

“Lieutenant Anderson,” the officer said, returning the handshake while glancing between the pair.

“I’m Detective Amaro and this is Detective Carisi.”

Anderson’s eyebrows shot up in surprise before settling into a thin line across his forehead. “Carisi?”

Sonny furrowed his eyebrows, eyes narrowing as the Lieutenant repeated his name again, his tone sounding almost accusatory.

The small group stood in silence for a few seconds, Sonny and the Lieutenant not once looking away from each other, before Anderson broke it.

“What’s your relation to the vic-”

“I’m her husband, and her partner,” he interrupted, anger coursing through his bloodstream at the Lieutenant’s word choice. He swallowed thickly, pushing the rage down and crossing his arms over his chest. “And I would prefer it if you would use her name.”

Anderson smiled coldly. He shoved his own hands into the pockets of his jacket, and rocked back and forth on his heels a few times. “Of course. My mistake. Didn’t mean to offend you or Mrs. Carisi.”

Sonny was seething, but he kept his mouth shut. Kept his fists hidden. The last thing he needed to do was lashout at another law enforcement officer and have Olivia take him off the case. He doubted that she would, in the end, but she would at least threaten it. And then Chief Dodds would hear about it and it was just something Sonny was not willing to deal with, no matter how hard he wanted to land one swift, solid punch to Anderson’s jaw.

Another man in a PDP vest approached the group a few moments later, after another short bout of silence, whispering something into Anderson’s ear that neither of the SVU detectives could hear while handing over a small, plain, white box.

“What’s that?” Sonny asked, impatiently so.

Anderson merely shoved the box under his arm and waved for them to follow before walking towards the kitchen, the one room that seemed to be unoccupied. Sonny was growing more and more annoyed with the Lieutenant with every passing second. Nick was trying his hardest to stay neutral, but even he was growing irritated with Anderson’s apparent arrogance.

Anderson set the box down on the kitchen counter, and took a step back, causing Amaro to scoff and Sonny to roll his eyes. Sonny looked at him quizzically for a moment before shaking his head, his frustration growing even further as he flipped the top off of the box without a second thought.

His frustration was quickly replaced by horror. Sonny felt his heart drop and his face turn pale, bile rising in the back of his throat. He grew dizzy for a moment, and had to blink several times to make sure that he was truly looking at what he thought he was. Nick looked just as alarmed, and he had half a mind to pull Sonny away from the box, but they were both frozen in place.

Hundreds of black and white photographs stared up at them. Hundreds of black and white photographs of her and Sonny. Anderson reached into the box and pulled some out, laying them across the counter so they could get a better look, not that either of them wanted to.

There were pictures of the two of them standing in line at their favorite coffee shop, Foxes. The one on the first floor of their apartment building. They stopped in nearly every morning before work to get their caffeine fix, and she would sometimes pop in on her way home, if she left work early enough. His arm was around her shoulders in most of them, or around her waist — something that he always did when they were out in public together because he liked to touch her, to feel her. There were some where she was alone.

There were pictures of them outside of the precinct, outside of the courthouse. A few of them at different crime scenes. Some of them at restaurants, and the grocery store. A handful taken outside of his mother’s house. There were even a few sets of them inside of their apartment, taken from their fire escape. Sonny felt his cheeks heat up as those were placed in front of him, because not all of them were completely innocent and the fact that they had been watched and photographed while making love made him want to vomit.

But he wasn’t only embarrassed because they had been watched. That wasn’t the main reason behind his embarrassment at all. No, he was embarrassed that he had never once noticed Bryan. The date on the pictures spanned over a course of thirteen months, the first one taken on September 20th of the previous year while the last one was taken on October 4th, just a few weeks prior, and he had been oblivious to each and every one.

Nick had seen enough. He firmly took hold of Sonny’s arm and dragged him out of the tiny apartment, down the three flights of stairs, and out to the car, completely ignoring and bypassing the rest of the squad even after they called out to them. Sonny pulled away right as Amaro threw open the car door, taking a few stumbling steps towards the grass before falling to his knees for the second time that night. He coughed, then spluttered, the water Nick had forced him to drink on their way to Princeton coming back up and burning his throat as he heaved into the grass.

It was his fault. It was all Sonny’s fault and if he had just been a little more observant, he could’ve kept her safe. If he had just been able to spot Bryan even once, he could’ve had him arrested for violating the restraining order and then maybe, she would be at home, tucked underneath the covers instead of missing and hurt.

Olivia quickly rushed over to Sonny, though made no move to touch him. He was breathing heavily, struggling to pull air into his lungs. The pain in his head was now close to unbearable, but he still refused to verbally acknowledge it. He still didn’t cry, still refused to let himself breakdown completely. He didn’t want anyone worrying about him, though he knew that they probably already were.

And he was right. They had never seen Sonny so shaken up before, though no one could blame him. It was completely expected and absolutely warranted given the situation.

Olivia gave Sonny a couple of minutes to calm himself down before she spoke, gently reaching forward to place a hand on his shoulder. “You need to go home and get some rest.”

“I can’t” Sonny replied without missing a beat. “I need to find her.”

“There’s nothing more you can do tonight, Carisi. Let Nick take you home.”

Sonny stayed quiet. He was mentally and physically exhausted, and he knew that there was no way he could continue to work in the condition his body was in. And not only that, but he knew that Olivia was right. There was nothing more to be done. Their hunt had led them to a dead end, and like Nick had said earlier, they had nothing else to go off of.

He decided to save his energy. He knew it wasn’t worth fighting them on, and that Olivia would eventually force him to at least try and sleep, even if it was in a hotel in Princeton.

He grumbled out a short, clipped “fine”, and stood without another word. He flinched at the irritation that was evident in his voice, but he couldn’t find the energy to care any further. He just hoped that Olivia didn’t take it personally.

And she didn’t. She watched closely, cautiously as Sonny walked towards the car and settled into the passenger seat. The squad all glanced at one another, the worry evident on all of their faces.

“The same goes for you guys,” Olivia instructed, her voice holding no room for argument. “We won’t be any use to Carisi if we’re all exhausted.”

No one felt the need to ask which of the Carisi’s Olivia was referring to, because they knew that both of them needed the squad at their best and on top of their game.

But the wait — the not being able to do anything because they didn’t _have_ anything was agonizing.

Sleep wouldn’t come easy for any of them.


	4. Chapter 4

**OCTOBER 19TH - DAY THREE**

Two days pass with absolutely nothing. Olivia gave Sonny strict orders to stay as far away from the precinct as possible, and he had actually decided to listen. He knew he would be useless to the squad in his current state. There would be absolutely no way that he could focus properly, and he knew that he would probably not feel like moving away from his desk, wanting to be right by the phone just incase they received a call saying that she had been found. Part of him still wished that he was there, just so he could sit by the phone, but he doubted that Olivia would budge on it, and so instead of fighting her on it, he had begged her to call him if she heard _anything_ at all.

He had hardly left Amaro’s couch, only getting up when it was absolutely necessary, and even then, it was only for a minute or two. He hadn’t combed his hair, had only brushed his teeth once. His drive and motivation were just completely nonexistent, unless it came to finding her, of course. Getting her back had been all he could think about.

He had been wearing the same set of sweats since he finally found the chance to change out of his blood soaked clothes. He had no idea what Nick had done with them, but he hoped they were in the trash and not sitting at the bottom of the washing machine. He never wanted to see the damn pants ever again. Or the buttondown, for that matter. He had contemplated setting both articles of clothing on fire after first taking them off, but he was positive that Nick wouldn’t appreciate the smoke and ash filling his apartment.

The news of her disappearance had quickly spread. Chief Dodds and Olivia had spoken at a press conference in the early morning following their trip to Princeton, and there had even been an article printed on the front page of several newspapers. They had used a fairly recent photo of her, one that was taken while she was dressed out in her blues. Sonny was actually in it as well, though they had cropped him out. It was one of his favorite pictures of the two of them together.

Her parents had been notified just prior to the press conference. Sonny hadn’t been the one to make the phone call to them, and while he felt some sort of guilt over it, he was also glad he hadn’t had to face them yet. He wasn’t ready for her mother’s tears or her father’s icecold glare and sharp words. He knew they would blame him for not protecting her properly, just as he was blaming himself. He didn’t know _if_ he would ever be able to face them, if he was being completely honest with himself.

He didn’t even know how to face his own parents. His mother had called him at least once an hour, and each time he let it go to voicemail. He had 41 missed calls and almost twice as many unopened texts. He never failed to check who they were from though, jumping to his feet and snatching his phone from wherever it lay each time a new one came through, just incase it was an unknown number that might be her or even Bryan.

Sonny started to have second thoughts about staying away from work. The later the day dragged on, the more and more anxious he felt. The more and more useless. He needed to do something other than just sit there, watching TV and waiting for the phone to ring. He supposed that there wouldn’t be any harm in going in, even if it was just to sit at his desk like he knew he would end up doing. It wasn’t like he had been placed on mandatory leave. And besides, a change of scenery might even do him some good.

He threw the blanket off of his legs, and stood from the couch, immediately going to the bag he had brought from the apartment and pulling out a pair of charcoal slacks and a maroon oxford. It was obvious that his shirt hadn’t been properly folded, and he didn’t have a tie, but he did have his NYPD coat and his bullet proof vest to throw on over his wrinkled shirt.

After getting changed, he was out the door within ten minutes.

* * *

Fin was the first to see Sonny enter the precinct. He had been sitting at one of the tables in the corner, idly talking with Olivia about a case from several years ago. He couldn’t help the sigh that escaped his lips and the not-so-subtle shake of his head that followed upon seeing the younger detective.

“Hey Liv, I thought you told Carisi to take the week off.”

“I did.”

She didn’t have to turn around to know that Sonny was approaching, and she still didn’t turn around even as she sensed him come to a stop directly behind her, just a few feet away.

“But you and I both know how well he tends to follow directions.”

“Yeah,” Fin scoffed, shaking his head once again and folding his arms across his chest.

Olivia finally turned in her chair, facing Sonny after several long seconds. She felt a twinge in her chest as she took in his dejected expression and tired eyes. He looked rough, and so so worried. She swallowed the lump in her throat and willef her own nerves to settle, giving her full attention to Sonny.

“What are you doing here, Carisi?”

“Do you know how freakin’ awful daytime television is?”

“What, Judge Judy not doing it for you?” Fin joked, a smirk plastered across his face as he leaned further back into his chair.

Sonny cracked a small smile, his first one in days, though it was nowhere near genuine. It was so extremely forced, his cheeks ached with the effort. He shuffled his feet gently, glancing at his shoes briefly before looking back up to Olivia.

“If I’m being completely honest here, I feel helpless just sittin’ on Amaro’s couch.”

Liv nodded her head in understanding. She couldn’t count how many times she had sat at home, her mind captivated by a case that she wanted nothing more than to work on for every second of the day. She tried to relate her own experience to what he must have been feeling at that moment, but she still couldn’t imagine what he was going through, as the case involved his wife and not just a random victim. She would’ve been so far gone had she been in his shoes.

“You know,” she started, trying to think of the best possible way to word her sentence. “You’re her husband first, her partner second, and a detective on her case third. And you really don’t even need to be her detective. We can handle this, Carisi. You’re allowed to take the time to grieve.”

“I don’t want to grieve,” he mumbled under his breath, almost inaudibly. Olivia began to speak again, but he interrupted her with a shake of his head. “Not yet.”

Olivia knew it wasn’t the time to talk about statistics and probability. She knew Sonny didn’t need to be reminded. She wasn’t paying attention to the numbers either, because this was a member of her squad in question. It was far too close to home. They had definitely recovered missing persons who had been missing for much longer.

She nodded in understanding, giving Sonny a soft, gentle smile. “How would you feel about doing some paperwork for me then? There’s still some notes on my desk that need to be entered in.”

She knew it would be better to give him some sort of work — something to distract him so he wasn’t just sitting there, losing his mind to worry and panic. And he seemed to feel the same way, because he nodded without question, not complaining or groaning in protest like he normally would over paperwork.

“You’ve got it, Lieu”

Sonny retreated without another word, immediately going to grab files off of Liv’s desk before heading over to his own. He purposefully avoided looking at the desk directly across from his — her desk. He knew that looking up into an empty chair wouldn’t do him any good, and would only send him spiraling even further.

But, after only a few minutes of saying he wouldn’t look, he couldn’t help it. He caught himself glancing through his lashes to where she should be. Her nose buried in her laptop, finger tapping away at the keys. Hair falling in her face and her lower lip between her teeth as she was lost in focus.

Sonny gently shook his head, working to clear the ghosts from his mind before returning his attention back to the files in his hand. He opened the first one, logged onto his laptop, and didn’t look towards her desk again.

Olivia had seen the entire thing. She couldn’t help but frown at the haunted look in Sonny’s eyes, still so noticeable even from across the room. Fin had been watching too, and was the first to break the silence.

“You sure this is a good idea?”

She didn’t know what to tell him, because no, she wasn’t sure. Part of her thought that he needed to take a step away from work for the time being, but a larger part of her didn’t think that having him cooped up in an apartment with only his thoughts to keep him company during the day was a good idea either. At least this way, he wasn’t alone, and they could keep an eye on him.

And so, she was honest, a sigh falling from her lips as she spoke.

“I don’t know.”

Fin only nodded, his stance on the situation exactly the same. It was a hard position to be in, no doubt, having to decide whether you were going to act as a friend or as a boss.

Nothing else was said between the pair, and they both returned to their respective work in silence. Olivia didn’t move from the table, however, deciding to review notes there just so she could watch Sonny. Not because she thought he might lose focus and potentially mess up, but because she wanted to make sure that he was alright; that he didn’t stress himself out too much.

The day dragged on slowly, though no one was complaining. Slow was a nice change for the squad, especially given the added stress they were all under. Nick and Amanda returned sometime in the early afternoon from wherever they had been, both instantly noticing Sonny sitting at his desk, though after one look towards their Lieutenant, they decided not to say anything to him.

It was just before three o’clock when Sonny was broken from an almost trance-like state. He had been so focused on typing up Liv’s reports that he had hardly noticed the world around him in the time that had passed. He wasn’t even entirely sure what had pulled his attention away, until he felt his apple watch buzz against his wrist.

He rolled his eyes, only slightly annoyed at the interruption. A sigh left his lips as he raised his watch to see who had decided to text him. It was probably just his mother, trying to get in touch with him again and asking how-

Sonny felt his blood run cold the moment the display of his watch came up, because the name that flashed across the screen definitely wasn’t his mother’s.

No, the name that flashed across the screen read “Vita Mia”, or “My Life” from Italian to English.

It was her. Or, it was at least her apple watch. Her cell phone was still at the apartment, but Sonny had completely forgotten about her watch.

He quickly shook the shock away, blinking several times as her name faded away and the actual message came onto the screen. It was a picture, one Sonny couldn’t see very well because of the small screen. He loudly cursed, not caring about the stares he received in return, and hastily dug his phone out of his jacket pocket, unlocking it and pulling up the text thread in a matter of seconds.

Sonny’s stomach dropped. His face turned pale, and for what felt like the hundredth time in a three day span, he felt the need to vomit, though his stomach still didn’t have much or anything to offer.

Nick had heard Sonny’s small outburst, and had promptly made his way over to his desk. Sonny heard him ask what was wrong, but he couldn’t form the words. Didn’t want to, didn’t know how to. His entire focus was on his phone, on the picture in his hands. Because she was in it, but it wasn’t a _normal_ picture of her — one that he would normally sit back and admire.

She was in it, but she was tied up, legs and arms bound and a gag in place. There was an obvious cut in her eyebrow, no doubt from the broken shards of glass of their once bathroom mirror. It looked as if her hands were tied to a bed frame, or a pole of some kind — Sonny couldn’t tell, didn’t care enough about that aspect of the photo, no. No, he was much more focused on her face, on the terror that was so evident and haunting he’s sure that he’ll see the same image every time he closes his eyes for the rest of his life. She looked so scared, so terrified, and Sonny felt his heart shatter even further. His own fear gripped him tight and refused to let go, not allowing him to move even a muscle. He still held completely still even after Nick yanked the phone from his grasp, still stared into thin air at where the phone had been. Nick looked at him, concern etched all over his face until he looked at the screen and his own horrified expression took over.

“Liv!” Nick called out, panic evident in his voice, his feet not daring to move. He felt stuck in place, as if his feet were nailed to the floor.

Sonny still didn’t move. Couldn’t move. Didn’t want to move because he felt as if he might faint.

Olivia rushed out of her office and ran up to the pair, Amanda and Fin close behind. Nick held the phone out to her with shaky hands, but reeled back when he felt it vibrate.

Another message had come through from her watch. She, or rather Bryan, had started to share her, their, current location — somewhere in Allentown, Pennsylvania. Sonny heard the buzz, and promptly snatched the phone from Nick, looking at it for a moment before Olivia did the same to him.

She stood silent for several seconds. Part of her felt as if it were a trap. It was just too easy. It was never that easy. There was something entirely off about it, and the nerves in her stomach picked back up at a rapid speed.

But she couldn’t just ignore it because her instinct was off.

“Fin, call the Allentown Police Department. Have them set up roadblocks on all routes out of town. Amanda, start calling the surrounding towns and have them do the same. No one approaches Bryan until we’re there.”

The squad scrambled, save for Sonny who still sat quietly in his chair, eyes void of any and all emotion.

Olivia leaned over him, pulling his chair back so he rolled a few feet away from his desk.

“Come on, Carisi,” she spoke gently, clasping her hand on his shoulder and giving it an encouraging squeeze.

Sonny stood without a word, shrugging out of his jacket and reaching to replace it with his bulletproof vest that sat on the back of his chair.

Olivia watched him closely, her heart sinking as she did so.

If they didn’t find her, she didn’t know what would happen to Sonny. What he would do. Who he would become in the midst of his grief.

She wasn’t ready to lose both Carisi’s.


	5. Chapter 5

The drive to Allentown was even more agonizing than the drive to Princeton. Seconds felt like minutes, minutes felt like hours. The wait and uncertainty of it all was killing everyone, and the butterflies in the pits of their stomachs were buzzing around in a crazy sort of frenzy. They so desperately wanted this expedition to lead to something promising, but the doubt still loomed over their minds, bringing anxiety and unwelcome thoughts.

Sonny was leaning against the cool window of the squad car. Olivia was driving, her knuckles white as she tightly gripped the steering wheel. Every few seconds, she would glance over at Sonny, just to check on him, though she didn’t expect any change. He hadn’t moved since they had left the city. Hadn’t said a word. And still, she felt the need to just keep checking. Keep monitoring.

Sonny watched the trees pass by in a blur. The last time he had been to Pennsylvania had been with her, when she wanted to take a weekend trip down to State College so she could show him around PSU, where she had gone to school to earn her degree in Criminology. She had taken him all around campus, and even introduced him to her favorite professor. They went to eat at her old favorite restaurants. She drove him past the house she had spent her senior year in. They had even caught the game that weekend, against the University of Michigan.

It had been such a fun weekend, but even the memory of it couldn’t bring a smile to Sonny’s face. None of their memories together could in that moment, and he had been flipping through them all, searching for one that didn’t make him want to cry. He just missed her so much.

He thought about all of the different trips they had taken, and different cases they had solved side by side. He thought of their lazy Sunday mornings spent between the sheets, the stolen kisses and the early whispers — words spoken with so much conviction and love and trust. He thought of the late night Netflix binges and the endless amount of Carisi family dinners his mother invited them to. Even the memory of their wedding made Sonny want to breakdown and sob, but he figured that to be the fact that their two year wedding anniversary was quickly approaching, and he didn’t know whether or not he would be spending it alone.

He thought back to the first day they had met. She had been the youngest detective SVU had ever hired at only 22 years old, but she was also, without a doubt, one of the best. He remembered Olivia telling him about her before she had arrived, and how she was partnering them up so that Sonny might learn something from a more “intelligent” detective. Sonny had laughed at the time, because what could he possibly learn from someone who was fresh out of college and had _just_ passed the detective’s exam after only being a part-time officer for a year? But all it took was one look at her and he knew that he would be proven wrong. Her confidence and her beauty had completely knocked the breath from his lungs, and he remembered feeling completely floored when he witnessed her work a crime scene for the first time.

He had asked her on their first date after only three months of working together. He expected her to be hesitant — they were partners afterall, and had to see each other everyday. What if something went wrong? But she had accepted almost immediately. When he had asked her why, months after the fact, she had simply answered by saying “_because I knew I was going to marry you the first moment I saw you_.”

Sonny had known the same, if he was being completely honest. And so, he proposed after only nine months, and they married fourteen after that. He had never pictured himself proposing to someone after such little time, but it had just felt right with her. Everything with her just felt absolutely right. He couldn’t imagine what the last four years of his life would have been like without knowing her.

He couldn’t imagine going forward without her, either. Couldn’t imagine waking up for the rest of his life without her by his side. Couldn’t imagine not being able to hear her laugh ever again, or being able to tell her he loved her.

Had he told her? When she was leaving the precinct that night, had Sonny told her how much he loved her? Had he given her a kiss goodbye? Or had he been too preoccupied with the mountain of work that covered both of their desks — work he had decided to do all by himself so that she could go home and get some rest, even though he knew that meant he would be getting home late himself?

He couldn’t remember. He was almost sure that he had, but he couldn’t help but second guess himself because he knew how easily distracted he could become.

There was a new wave of guilt that came washing over him, and he couldn’t help but feel so conflicted. He had tried to do something nice by letting her go home. He knew she had been exhausted all day, and she had said multiple times how badly she wanted nothing more than to go home and just forget about the damn paperwork, but it was due the next morning and Sonny knew they had already put it off for way too long. If he had just been a little selfish, if he had just made her stay at the precinct with him then she might still be there. They would’ve entered their apartment together and there was absolutely no way in hell Sonny would’ve let Bryan walk out of there with her.

He started thinking about all of the times he had sent her home alone before, and how many opportunities that meant Bryan would have had to take her.

He quickly shoved the thought away after feeling his head begin to spin. Sonny swallowed the lump in his throat, and gently shut his eyes. He didn’t open them again until they arrived in Allentown thirty minutes later.

They flipped their lights and sirens on just as they crossed city limits, a few Allentown PD cars merging behind them as they passed the roadblock. Olivia was following closely behind Amanda, who led the way in the second squad car. Nick had taken Sonny’s phone before they left the precinct, and had been giving directions the entire drive. Sonny had protested, of course, when Olivia gave the phone to Nick instead of him, but they all knew what would have happened had Sonny kept it. He wouldn’t have looked away from it, not that Nick had been any better himself, but no one thought it was a smart idea to let Sonny suffer through the car ride, staring at a map and praying that the location didn’t go out.

Her watch had been sitting in the same location for the last forty five minutes — just outside of a book shop in the center of town. Nick had a bad feeling about the entire situation; a feeling he could only describe as somewhere between doubt and apprehension. He knew that if it had been her and only her, she would’ve gone straight to the Police Department or the hospital. She would have called for help, would have texted Sonny, _something_. He knew there was something wrong, something off.

“Pull off into this parking lot here,” Nick instructed when they were only two blocks away.

Amanda did as she was told before coming to an abrupt stop, throwing the car into park and hastily climbing out.

Sonny was already out of the other car by the time she stood. He had thrown his door open before they were even completely stopped, but Olivia had done the same.

The squad wordlessly gathered into a small circle, all securing their vests and pulling their guns from their holsters, though they kept the safety on. The Allentown officers followed suit, and waited for instruction from Olivia.

She glanced at each of her squad members, her eyes lingering on Sonny for the longest. They were all looking at her, all except for him. He was staring at the ground, jaw clenched and mouth set in a thin, straight line. His eyes were darker than their normal ice shade, and Olivia didn’t like what she saw when she looked into them. There was a certain sort of determination swimming in his irises — hollow and cold, calculated and oh so sure all at the same time. She could tell, with just one look, that he was plotting something. That he was thinking about what he was willing to do in order to get her back. What he was willing to give up. She could tell that he was planning to do anything to save her, and that even then, having her back might not be good enough.

“Carisi,” she murmured gently, almost flinching when his eyes met hers with a glare she knew wasn’t truly directed at her. “You don’t have to do this. You can stay here.”

Sonny scoffed gently, shaking his head and biting the inside of his cheek. “And why would I do that?”

“Because I know what you’re thinking, and I know what you’re planning. And Carisi, if you do it, you’re going to lose a piece of yourself that you can never get back.”

“I can lose everything,” he snapped, voice raised, the anger and the pain oh so evident on his face. “I can lose everything, but I can’t lose her.”

His words stunned Olivia into silence, but she still held eye contact. Still stood her ground. Sonny was the first to look away, lip quivering slightly though he quickly sucked in a shaky breath to play it off.

“God, not her,” he mumbled, voice quieter than before. The anger quickly faded, swiftly being replaced by sadness and grief. Olivia felt a pang in her chest as she watched. Sonny had never been good at hiding his emotions, but somehow, this was different from every other time he let his temper show.

It made her think of William Lewis, and the rage she had felt then. How intense, how raw it had been. She couldn’t hold him at fault for his anger, because hadn’t she been the exact same way?

And so she simply nodded, clasping Sonny on the shoulder and giving him a small shake.

“We’ll find her, and then I promise you, Bryan will get what he deserves.”

Sonny sucked his bottom lip between his teeth, biting gently as he nodded, still refusing to look towards Liv. Part of him felt ashamed for the thoughts that were running through his mind, but a larger part of him didn’t care. A larger part of him wanted nothing more than to see Bryan suffer.

Olivia waited a few more seconds before giving the squad the orders to move, the Allentown officers following closely behind. Nick decided to put himself in front of Sonny, and they all quickly made their way towards the book shop, guns drawn though they kept them aimed at the ground.

Sonny was the only one with the safety already switched off.

Olivia was several steps ahead, and rounded the corner before anyone else. She instantly felt the dejection settle in the pit of her stomach, but she had been expecting it, if she were being completely honest.

She wasn’t there, and neither way Bryan. Infact, the only person on the street was a teenage boy, looking down and fumbling with something in his hand that looked a lot like a-

She stopped in her tracks, a scoff falling from her lips. Nick came up behind her just a second later, followed by Sonny and the rest of the squad.

“Amaro, you’re positive we’re in the right spot?”

Nick glanced towards the phone that was still in his hand, nodding his head as he double checked. “Yeah, I’m sure. The signal is coming from right over there.”

Olivia nodded towards the young boy, her shoulders sagging with the words that followed.

“We’ve been played.”

All of the hope anyone had been holding onto quickly faded. The atmosphere surrounding the squad quickly turned heavy, but Sonny felt a fire ignite within his veins. Even from twenty feet away, he could tell it was her watch in the kid’s hand. He had bought her a special white leather and rose gold band after she had admired it in a shop.

Sonny pushed past Nick and Liv, not caring to listen as they both called his name, asking for him to just hold on and to just let them handle it.

The boy didn’t look up until Sonny snatched the watch away from him, gripping it tightly in his fist before using his other hand to grab the front of the kid’s shirt, effortlessly hoisting him off of the bench.

“Hey, what the hell man-”

“Where did you get this?” Sonny questioned, voice sharp, venom dripping from his tongue.

The boy’s eyes widened, and he held up his hands in surrender once seeing the fury on Sonny’s face, shaking his head frantically as he fumbled with his words. “I-I don’t-”

Sonny’s fist tightened around the fabric of his shirt. He knew what he was doing was wrong, that he shouldn’t be manhandling a young teenage boy, but he was positively seething, and all he could see was red. “I’m going to ask you one more time. Where did you get the watch?”

“Carisi!” Olivia yelled from just behind the pair. “Carisi, that’s enough.”

But he couldn’t stop. Couldn’t make himself even if he had wanted to. All of the control he had left was completely gone, had vanished the moment he realized that she wasn’t there.

“Where!?” Carisi yelled into the boy’s face, completely ignoring Liv’s command.

“Some, some guy gave it to me! He said all I had to do was sit here for a little while and that it was mine to keep, and-and he gave me fifty bucks!”

“What did he look like?”

“H-he had brown hair and I...I don’t know man, just let me go!”

“Was there a girl with him?”

The boy looked confused, eyebrows furrowed and lips turning down in a deep frown. “What-”

Sonny shook the boy violently, only once, just enough to scare him. “Was there a girl-”

“No! No, I didn’t see any girl!”

Sonny felt his heart sink even further in his chest. He stared at him for a few seconds longer, the full weight of what he had just done to a young kid finally settling in. He looked down to his feet as he quietly mumbled something that sounded like an apology before letting go of the boy’s shirt, turning on his heel, and briskly walking away, but not before Olivia stopped him.

“Carisi, what the hell were you thinking?”

“I wasn’t,” he whispered.

He shook his head before shrugging Olivia’s hand from his arm, continuing to walk away, shoving her watch into his pocket as he did so.

Olivia called out to him, but just like every other time over the course of the past few days, he didn’t listen. He wanted to put as much distance between him and that spot as he possibly could, wanted to be anywhere but there in that moment.

As he made his way back to the car, quickly walking past the squad and the other officers, Sonny felt the anger flood into his body once again. He felt it settle between his ribs and make a home where so much love had once lived, where so much hope had been.

Olivia still continued to follow him, still continued to call out his name. She didn’t think he was going to stop, and she was just about to give up when he whirled around with his gun in hand, though it wasn’t aimed towards her.

The look Sonny had in his eye was even harsher than before, if that were even at all possible. Olivia felt the fear prick at her skin, her hair standing on edge as she took in his every movement, waiting for a moment where she would be forced to intervene. Sonny lifted his arm up, and she thought that he was about to place the muzzle of his gun to his temple when instead, he brought his hand to his forehead, letting his head hang as he simply rested it there, eyes falling shut.

Olivia still didn’t like the fact that his finger was hovering near the trigger. She cautiously approached, making sure not to walk too fast. She reached her own hand up, and gently put it overtop of Sonny’s before delicately pulling the gun from his grasp.

His eyes snapped open, and there was absolutely no denying it. Not with eyes so cold and harsh, almost dead. Sonny was out for revenge. Out for blood.

He was over this game of cat and mouse. He was over being toyed with.

Olivia was done watching her friend lose his mind.

And so, not caring about the anger from the entire squad that her decision would bring, she made the only call she could think of. One she should have made at the very beginning. One that would hopefully keep her from losing anyone else.

“I’m turning her case over to the FBI. We’re done.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHHHH I really hope you guys are liking this so far! Don't forget to leave me a kudos or a comment letting me know what you think!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one's a little short, but i promise the next one will be longer!

**OCTOBER 20TH - DAY FOUR**

The precinct is busier than usual when Sonny walks in the following morning. There’s twice as many people, twice as many noises. Twice as many reasons for Sonny to be annoyed.

He stops after taking only a few steps off of the elevator, shaking his head and trying his hardest to push his irritation down. He had been livid when Olivia had announced that she was no longer letting the squad work on the case, and he hadn’t been the only one to let their anger show, but if Sonny were being completely honest, he knew it had been coming. He knew that himself specifically shouldn’t have been anywhere near her case. It was far too personal, and Sonny knew he wasn’t handling his emotions properly.

Sonny took a couple of deep breaths. He let his eyes fall shut for just a moment, and he willed himself to stay calm. He shook his head one more time, and then started to move towards his desk. He looked around the bullpen as he did so, mentally making a note of where each of his colleagues were, and what exactly they were doing. They were all speaking to different agents, unsurprisingly so. Sonny could hear bits and pieces of the different conversations as he made his way to his desk, but he couldn't bring himself to actually pay attention to what they were actually saying. What could they tell the agents that Sonny couldn’t?

He plopped himself down into his chair. He instantly noticed that things on his desk were out of place — had been shifted around and gone through and put back without even trying to hide the fact that someone had been snooping, and the annoyance that he had felt earlier quickly returned. Sonny grit his teeth, clenched his jaw, and couldn’t help but roll his eyes.

As soon as Sonny finished getting things back in order, he felt someone come up behind him and stop just a few feet away. He twisted in his chair, spinning it around to face whoever had decided to sneak up on him and was surprised to notice that it wasn’t one, but two people — both agents.

“Can I help you with something?”

Sonny didn’t mean to sound as sarcastic as he did, and while one of the agents chuckled, the other looked rather unimpressed.

The second one — the one wearing a glare that quickly morphed into a devious smirk — shoved his hands into his pockets and tilted his head curiously at Sonny.

“Maybe.”

Sonny waited for the agent to continue, but several seconds passed in silence. He couldn’t believe the arrogance radiating from the guy, and instantly decided that he didn’t like him.

“Okay…” Sonny mumbled, dragging out the “y”, still waiting.

“I’m Agent Barnes, and this is Agent Graves.”

Sonny glanced towards the second agent, who smiled gently at him and gave him a quick, short nod, which he returned.

“We’d like to talk to you about Detective Carisi’s disappearance, if that’s alright with you.”

Sonny couldn’t help but flinch at the cold way in which Barnes spoke her name. He could tell the sudden movement peaked Barnes interest, but he wasn’t about to explain himself.

“Sure, I’d love to talk about my _wife_,” Sonny responded, eyes narrowed and lips upturned in something that resembled a grimace.

Barnes took a few steps forward and came to lean against Sonny’s desk while Graves stayed where he was standing. Sonny folded his arms across his chest.

“When did you last see her?” Barnes asked, looking down at Sonny.

“On the sixteenth. She was goin’ home for the night and I walked her downstairs.”

“And at what time was that?”

“At about seven,” Sonny answered, shrugging his shoulders gently.

“And why didn’t you go home with her?”

“We had a lot of paperwork and she was tired. I wanted her to go home and rest a bit.”

Barnes nodded his head once, seeming to think over the information Sonny just gave him in a way that made Sonny rolls his eyes again.

“And what time would you say you made it home that night?”

“You know, I’m startin’ to feel like this is more of an interrogation rather than an interview. Look, I’ve already told all of this to-”

“It’s just a simple question.”

Sonny was frustrated, because all of the times, all of the facts they had, were written down in her file, and he was positive that the agents had already looked through the notes.

“About fifteen minutes after midnight.”

The passive expression Barnes had been sporting quickly morphed into a smirk — one that honestly made Sonny want to deck him.

“How long does it usually take for you to get home?”

“Twenty minutes, give or take.”

“That’s funny, because we heard that you left here at eleven that night. Twenty minutes home...that leaves almost an hour that you have unaccounted for.”

Sonny was completely and utterly floored at what Barnes was implying. He could only stare in shock for several seconds, his jaw slack and mouth slightly agape.

“You think that I killed my wife.”

It wasn’t a question, but rather a statement. A statement that Sonny never imagined he would find himself saying. He scoffed gently, shaking his head in disbelief.

“We don’t-” Graves started to say, but his partner quickly cut him off, silencing him with a simple wave of his hand that pissed Sonny off even further.

“I didn’t say that,” Barnes continued, shrugging his shoulders.

Sonny scoffed again, and quickly stood, his height giving him a good few inches over Barnes. His arms stayed folded across his chest, and he looked down at the agent, eyes narrowed.

“I would never do anything to hurt my wife.”

“I’m not saying that you did, but maybe,” Barnes started, tilting his head to the side. “Maybe you and Bryan…”

“Okay, now you’ve gone too far,” Sonny fumed, taking a step closer to the agent.

“Carisi,” Olivia called out from where she was standing, about ten feet away. Sonny hadn’t noticed her approach.

“Do you hear this guy? Do you-”

“Sonny,” she interrupted, effectively silencing him. She rarely called him Sonny, and when she did, it was used as a form of comfort that Sonny didn’t know he needed until just then. He swallowed the lump in his throat, and glanced towards his feet.

“I wouldn’t hurt her. You know I wouldn’t do that.”

Olivia placed her hand on his shoulder, giving it a gentle yet firm squeeze. “I know.”

Of course she knew. Sonny loved her more than any person had ever loved another. She was, and always would be, his entire world, his reason for getting out of bed in the morning and his reason for breathing, and Olivia couldn’t understand how someone could even insinuate that he might’ve been involved in her kidnapping. Sonny had a temper, and that was no secret to anyone, but he would never, ever do something like this. Not even in the midst of the most heated argument would he even imagine laying a hand on her.

Sonny looked towards Liv with such hopelessness and desperation trapped in his irises. It was almost as if he were still pleading with her — begging her to just believe him.

“We all know.”

Sonny’s shoulders seemed to relax, just a fraction, and he sucked in a sharp breath. He nodded his head once, solemnly so, and mumbled something that sounded like an excuse under his breath before retreating towards the locker rooms. No one followed, he didn’t want anyone to. He just needed a few seconds to himself. A moment to push the nausea and the nerves and the worry away, even though he knew they would only return.

What Sonny really needed was for this to all just be some twisted, fucked up nightmare.

What Sonny _really_ needed was her.


	7. Chapter 7

**OCTOBER 21ST - DAY FIVE**

Olivia gave Sonny the day off, or rather, threatened to place him on mandatory leave if he didn’t spend the day away from the precinct. He tried to argue with her, giving her the same reasons he had a few days prior, but nothing seemed to convince her to let him go into work. Ideally, she didn’t even want him to leave Nick’s apartment for the day. She wanted him to sleep in until noon, watch as many movies as he possibly could, call his mother back, and actually eat something more than a few bites of whatever fast food or microwavable meal he had been forced to buy.

Normally, Sonny wouldn’t complain about doing any of those things, but today was different. He needed something to focus on that would keep his mind quiet. He felt that he needed a distraction today more than any other day, because today was his two year anniversary, and he was losing his mind by doing nothing.

It was just after six p.m., and he had woken up just after five in the morning with no possible chance of going back to sleep. The TV was turned off, and Sonny had no desire to stand up and find the remote, and even if he turned something on, he wouldn’t be able to properly focus on it. The bagel he had made that morning sat half eaten on the coffee table, and he hadn’t even bothered to make himself lunch. Nothing Olivia had wanted him to do came even close to being done, but Sonny just couldn’t bring himself to do anything other than play a word game on his phone.

But he did know that he needed to call his mom back. He still hadn’t spoken to her, and she was still calling him a few times each day, leaving message after message each time she was met with the familiar “beep” of his voicemail. His sisters had started to do the same, Bella even going as far as to send him a text message that read “If we didn’t know any better, we would think you’re missing too”. He had deleted it right after opening it.

Sonny sighed gently, closing out of his game and pulling up his contacts. He scrolled until he found his mother’s name, and hit the call button.

She answered after the first ring, her worried voice sounding in Sonny’s ears and making him feel guilty for not answering any of her hundreds of calls. He didn’t mean to cause her worry and grief, but what did he think ignoring her calls would do in this situation?

“Hey Ma,” he mumbled into the phone, voice hoarse from not having used it all day.

The relief he heard in his mother’s voice after she heard his instantly made the guilt intensify, and his chest tightened as he listened to her cry in what he hoped was relief after finally hearing from him, and not hurt because she had _just now_ heard from him.

About five minutes passed before the conversation moved from Sonny’s apparent inability to answer his phone to what he knew his mother had been calling about, and what had been the only thing on his mind for the last five days.

“Have you found anything?”

Sonny felt a lump form in his throat, and he suddenly lost the ability to speak properly. This had been his reality for the better part of a week — talking about her and thinking about her every second of every day, which really wasn’t any different from normal except for the fact that it now made his heart ache rather than fill him with love and joy.

He briefly told his mother what had happened in Princeton and Allentown, though he assumed she had already heard. If you turned on the news for even two minutes, you would see her name and her picture flash across the screen, accompanied by Bryan’s, which never failed to make Sonny’s blood boil.

“At least I know she’s alive,” Sonny muttered after a brief pause where neither of them could find the right words to say. “The amount of blood...Ma, I was so freakin’ scared that she was de-”

Sonny’s voice cracked, and he couldn’t bring himself to finish his word. He felt a single tear roll down his cheek. Saying that he was afraid outloud was probably the most candid he had been since the start of it all. He still hadn’t let himself cry, not really, but that one tear was all it took for the dam to break loose.

He pulled the phone away from his ear, but he didn’t hang up. He simply let it fall to the couch beside him as he brought his other hand up to his mouth, covering it as a broken sob escaped his lips. His mother continued to listen on the other end, her heart aching for her son as well as his wife. She recounted an almost silent prayer just as Sonny cursed God’s name, and she couldn’t even bring herself to chastise him for using the Lord’s name in vain. She would’ve done the same if she were feeling even half of what Sonny was.

All of Sonny’s emotions continued to pour out of him in a violent downfall, like a storm that held no mercy, leaving a gaping hole in his chest that threatened to swallow him whole. He cried and he screamed and he cursed every higher power he could think of until his voice was strained with the effort. He bargained, he pleaded. He prayed, and then he cursed again. His mother listened the entire time.

Several minutes passed like this, and once he was sure that there were no more tears left for him to cry, after he felt like he would pass out if he shed even one more, he picked the phone back up slowly, though he stayed completely silent. After several seconds, his mother spoke his name gently.

“I’m here,” he mumbled quietly, no emotion left in his voice at all.

His mother seemed to be thinking about her words, choosing them carefully as to not upset him any further. “Maybe you should think about coming over here tonight, dear.”

Sonny didn’t respond, and after another moment spent in silence, she spoke again. “You know, I just don’t think you should be alone tonight…”

“You remembered,” he grumbled lowly, his voice hardly audible.

“Of course I did honey, but regardless of whether it’s your anniversary or not...maybe you just-”

“You know what Ma,” he interrupted, cutting her off. “I, uh — I actually have plans tonight.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, uh, Amaro just got this new video game and we were gonna order a pizza or somethin’ for dinner. I won’t be alone, promise.”

She seemed to accept his answer, and didn’t question him any further. She even sounded slightly enthusiastic about it, saying that it sounded like the kind of distraction Sonny needed. He had to physically bite his tongue in order to keep himself from scoffing.

They said their goodbyes shortly after, and Sonny threw his phone onto the couch cushion beside him, a deep sigh escaping his lips as he stared at the floor for what felt like an hour.

He and Nick didn’t have any plans. There was no video game, no pizza. He felt slightly bad for lying to his mother, but a larger part of him wanted to save her the worry and trouble. He was dealing with enough of that for the Carisi family himself.

He quickly stood from the couch and switched out his sweatpants for a pair of jeans, but couldn’t find the effort to change out of his Fordham sweatshirt, the one she always stole from him. He ran his fingers through his hair, not bothering to style it. He hadn’t shaved in a few days, and was sporting a good little bit of stubble that he knew she would’ve loved.

He grabbed his wallet and the spare key Nick had given to him, picked up his phone and sent Amaro a text, also lying to him about his location and his plans, and set out the door.

Not ten seconds passed before Nick was texting him back, telling Sonny that they had caught a case and he wouldn’t be home until later that evening anyways.

Sonny didn’t think twice about it, and simply shoved his phone into his pocket before heading to the subway.

* * *

Their apartment is dark when Sonny arrives. He doesn’t bother to flip on the light in the entryway, and takes a moment to just stand there, his back against the wooden door. It almost felt normal, like any other day. It felt like Sonny had just gotten off work for the night after sending her home early, and he was taking a moment to decompress before he would make his way to the bedroom, where he would find her curled up under the sheets, her head on his pillow as she waited for him to come home to her.

But she always made sure that the lamp in the living room was on for him, and she had a habit of leaving the TV running until he got home. Neither were on, and only silence and darkness and solitude surrounded.

Sonny kicked his shoes off by the door before pushing away from it, taking a few tentative steps into the apartment. The room was slightly illuminated from the glittering lights of Manhattan, just enough for Sonny to see around the room. It was strange — everything looked the same, smelled the same, but it felt so completely different. Foreign, almost. A few things were out of place, like the blanket they kept on the back of the couch which was now on the floor, and the couple of books they kept stacked on the coffee table that were now shifted a few inches to the left. Sonny folded the blanket and put it back in its place, moved the books back, and then walked slowly into the bedroom.

The smell of her perfume instantly hit him upon entering, and he had to grip onto the doorframe to keep himself from stumbling backwards. He swayed on his feet, and closed his eyes for just a moment. He took a deep breath to, hopefully, steady himself as he reached to his right to flip on the light. He kept his eyes tightly shut for another moment before slowly opening them and finally taking in his surroundings.

The bedroom was far worse than the main living area, that was for sure. The pillows from the bed were tossed to the floor, the sheets and comforter twisted together in a knot that Sonny knew he would struggle to get out. There was a small strand of yellow police tape on the floor that Sonny didn’t understand why it was there, as they had only blocked the front door with it. Both of their bedside drawers were still pulled open, and he could see that their bathroom light was still on.

The bathroom.

Sonny moved without intending to do so, and he felt his feet carry him towards their ensuite almost as if he were on autopilot. He reached the threshold in just a few short seconds, and at first, his brain didn’t exactly process what he was seeing — didn’t fully make the connection and he stood there, confused and bewildered.

No one had been by to clean up yet, and blood still soaked every surface Sonny chose to set his eyes on, only now, it was dry, and more brown than it was red. The shower curtain had been taken away by the crime scene techs, as had the bathmat and the various hand towels that had been covered in crimson. Sonny was almost positive that there wasn’t as much glass on the floor as there had been before, which made sense — the techs would have taken some of it as well. But the floor and the walls and the counter — it looked like the kind of murder scene one would see in a grotesque horror film. There was even a handprint on the side of the tub that Sonny knew belonged to himself. He had used the tub to hold himself up, to keep himself from collapsing further after falling to his knees. He looked towards the cabinet under the sink to find a second handprint, right where he knew it would be. He had caught himself there, too.

He stood in the doorway for what must have been five minutes at least, staring at the blood and the glass and the wreckage, and he felt absolutely nothing. If anything, he felt completely and utterly numb to it all. Part of him couldn’t believe that what he was looking at was real, and the other part wouldn’t allow him to connect the dots.

He knew it was her blood, in their cozy little apartment in Manhattan, and yet, he still felt like he was standing in the middle of any old crime scene, where any old victim had been murdered by their enraged boyfriend. He tried to make sense of it in his head; tried to use sound logic and the knowledge of what he had learned in his psychology classes throughout college to figure out why he was feeling the way that he was, but nothing made sense.

Another few minutes passed before Sonny was finally able to turn his gaze away from the carnage. A small bout of nausea hit his stomach in that moment, but he chose to ignore it. He had learned that if he didn’t pay attention to it, the less likely he was to lose what little his stomach held. He wiped a stray tear away from his cheek, one he wouldn’t have noticed if the cool air from the vent hadn’t hit his cheek, and stepped away from the bathroom.

His next destination was the closet. Nothing in there had been touched or moved to his knowledge, and for some reason, he felt comfort in that. He sighed gently, and grabbed an empty bag from the corner. This time, he was more careful when choosing what clothes he would bring with him, because he had no plans on returning to the apartment anytime soon. Not without a stack of moving boxes and a U-Haul at the very least. He decided right then and there that he was breaking the lease early, and finding somewhere else to move immediately. Just having the apartment in his name made his skin crawl, and he wanted out immediately. And not only that, but as well as he knew her, he knew that if-, when they found her, she wouldn’t want to return there. And even if she did, he knew it wouldn’t be good for her mental health.

He knew that the part of her that would want to keep the apartment would do so just to prove a point, and the thought of that made him smile briefly, gently.

“Stubborn ass,” he mumbled under his breath, a small, sad chuckle following just after.

Sonny gathered all of the clothes he figured he would need along with a few other things, and turned to exit the closet when his eyes landed on the same item he had found that night five days before.

Nevada was still where Sonny had dropped him, just lying on the floor. She would’ve been so upset had she seen him just tossed aside like that, and that thought also made Sonny grin to himself. He walked over to the stuffed wolf before gently kneeling down and taking him into his hands, his smile growing slightly as he felt the matted “fur” on his fingertips. He would often swear that she loved the damn thing more than she loved him, but he thought it was so adorable how attached she was to the stuffed animal.

Sonny slowly flipped Nevada over, finding that her engagement ring and wedding band were still shoved onto the tail, just like they had been before. At first, he didn’t think that he would find them there, and he couldn’t exactly explain to himself why. He gently pulled them off, letting the cool metal settle in the palm of his hand.

All he could do was stare at them for several seconds, and it felt as if a rock settled and grew in the pit of his stomach the longer he held them. He closed his fist around the two rings, mumbling something that sounded like a promise — a promise that he would find her, and that he would bring her justice no matter the outcome — before shoving them into the pocket of his jeans.

He glanced at his own wedding band for a moment, sitting on his ring finger, the silver glistening in the light, just like it had every single day since they had said “I do”.

Two whole years to the day.

He had planned to take her away for the weekend to celebrate their anniversary. It was supposed to be special, romantic. Just the two of them alone in Boston without a care in the world. He had had it planned for months now.

Did she know what day it was, wherever she was? Did she remember, or even realize how many days had passed?

Sonny hated himself for the questions that were running through his head, because they made him feel selfish.

He hated himself even more when he reached to slide his wedding band off of his finger. He had failed her, he didn’t deserve to wear it. He didn’t deserve to call himself her husband.

When, if, they found her — which also made Sonny hate himself, because he was beginning to pay attention to the numbers and the statistics and he was starting to doubt whether or not it would be a rescue mission rather than a body recovery — would she even want to still be married to him?

He slowly dropped his hand, leaving the band on his ring finger. He would never be able to take it off. Even if he never saw her again, he was sure the band would remain on his finger. He would always be her husband, unless she explicitly told him that that was no longer what she wanted.

Sonny quickly shook the thoughts from his mind, shoved Nevada into his bag, and exited the closet. He turned off every light in the apartment before leaving, locking the door behind him and not looking back once. He couldn’t stand to be in there any longer, not liking where his mind was headed while standing in the middle of all that had once been theirs. He arrived back at Nick’s shortly after, expecting him to still be gone on whatever case he had been talking about, and being surprised when he found the other detective standing in the middle of the living room. It looked as if he had been pacing, his hands on his hips and a blank expression on his face that Sonny couldn’t read.

“What’s up?” Sonny asked, throwing his bag onto the floor by the door, deciding he would worry about finding a spot to put it away later.

Nick stayed silent for several moments, seeming to be lost in thought before he spoke, voice low and eyes looking everywhere but at Sonny. His voice sounded cold yet so full of emotion at the same time.

“You received a video from Bryan tonight, in your email. Liv is having your account monitored, and we intercepted it before you could see it.”

Sonny’s blood ran cold, and he felt frozen in place. He wanted to ask Nick what it was, but he couldn’t make himself speak, didn’t remember how to use his voice. Instead, he just swallowed the lump that had formed in his throat and looked at him expectantly, waiting for him to continue.

It took Amaro several seconds to speak again, and when he finally did, Sonny was sure that he would’ve preferred for him to just stay silent.

“Sonny, Bryan shot her.”

Nick had tears in his eyes as he spoke, and Sonny still couldn’t move. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t move. Couldn’t speak. Couldn’t think. Couldn’t process the words he had heard. Couldn’t do anything.

“They’re working on tracing the email but we...the FBI said they have enough reason to believe that she’s…”

He couldn’t bring himself to finish his sentence, but Sonny understood. He understood perfectly, though he didn’t want to.

Bryan shot her, and they believed her to be dead.

It didn’t sit right with Sonny. Something about it felt off, felt wrong. He was sure he would’ve felt something in his gut, like people say they do in books and movies when someone they care about is hurt or in trouble or has passed. But then again, he hadn’t felt anything out of the ordinary when she had been taken. But if she had been killed, he was almost certain he would have felt _something_ — some instinct in the back of his mind or _anything_.

“She’s not,” Sonny snapped, voice hard with emotion though it broke on the last word at the same time. “She’s not dead.”

“Sonny,” Nick chastised sternly, exasperation evident in his voice.

“She’s not dead.”

“You didn’t see the video!” Amaro yelled, sliding his hand down the length of his face as the pain and anger took over his entire body. “You didn’t see it and you should be thankful that you didn’t have to.”

Silence covered the room like a thick blanket for several, long, agonizing moments before Nick broke it again. “There’s no way that she survived it this time, man…”

It was obvious that what Nick had seen in the video traumatized him, and was enough to make him think for himself that she was dead, but Sonny just couldn’t accept it. He didn’t know if it was the denial talking, or if what he was feeling was actually real, but after repeating himself for a third time, he felt the world come crashing down around him for what felt like the hundredth time that week.

Sonny’s knees gave out, and he crumpled, eyes rolling into the back of his head. Nick caught him before he could hit the floor.

Everything was black.

Sonny’s heart, his world — it was nothing but black.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW!!! The next several chapters in this fic are DARK, so please, if you're triggered by ANYTHING in this chapter, stop reading. Stay safe babes, and enjoy.

**October 22nd - Day Six**

Sonny isn’t the one to break the news to her parents. He still doesn’t know what to say to them, or if he even _can_ say anything to them without making himself sick. He is, however, sitting in Liv’s office when she makes the dreaded phone call to them, and he can hear her mother sob on the other line, and he watches, numbly so, as tears spring to Olivia’s own eyes. Sonny knows that she hasn’t had the time to process it all herself — her complete and utter focus had been on both Carisi’s, afterall, and on top of that, she still had a department to run.

The night before was a blur to Sonny. He remembered Nick telling him about the video, and then there was nothing until this morning, when Amaro shook him awake and told him that Olivia needed him down at the precinct. He still didn’t know what for. There was no way she was expecting him to work, that much he knew, and so he hadn’t bothered fixing his hair or changing out of his sweats.

He sat quietly on the small sofa in Liv’s office, with Barba sitting to his left, staring at nothing in particular, his leg bouncing, elbow perched on it and knuckles resting against his bottom lip. He still refused to believe that she was gone. Sonny was so, _so_ sure that she was still alive, but no one else seemed to think so. He couldn’t even begin to put into words how enraged that made him, and how much it made him want to scream.

But then again, he hadn’t seen the video. He hadn’t seen what everyone else had seen, and though he really didn’t want to, he knew that he needed to, if only for some sense of twisted, morbid closure. To put it all to rest.

And besides that, he couldn’t just take their word for it when there was a gnawing, pulling feeling in his stomach telling him that they were all wrong. It wasn’t hope, and it sure as hell wasn’t faith, because Sonny didn’t have any faith left to give. Not in his squad, not in himself, not in God. But that was something he would deal with later, because all he could focus on was the damn feeling in the pit of his stomach. It was more than faith or hope, and he honestly didn’t have a word for it — personal assurance, maybe? All he knew was that he was so completely positive that she was somewhere still breathing. Still living.

“Carisi,” Olivia gently began, causing Sonny’s eyes to immediately flicker over to her. She hesitated for a moment as she looked over her detective, taking in his hunched appearance that was so un-Sonny like it didn’t even look like him for a moment. “I’m so sorry, but I had to-”

“I wanna see the video,” Sonny mumbled, his words slurring together as if he had been drowning himself in liquor the night before.

His words caught Olivia off guard, and her eyes widened, only slightly but enough for Sonny to notice. She quickly averted her gaze to Barba as she searched for the right thing to say, but she didn’t know how to answer him. When almost a full thirty seconds went by in silence, Rafael decided that he had to be the one to break it.

“Detective, I really don’t think that’s a good-”

“Look, I’m just gonna guess that Liv called me down here because the feds want to talk to me, isn’t that right? And you know, they’re probably going to show it to me, while they’re accusin’ me of murdering my wife-”

Both Rafael and Olivia flinched, but Sonny didn’t stop talking.

“-and I’d say that that’s a pretty shitty way to see it for the first time, don’t you?”

Now it was Barba’s turn to be stunned into silence. He tried his best to put himself into Sonny’s shoes, and what he would personally want if he were in a similar situation, but he had no idea what he would want, because he didn’t know how to even begin imagining something so awful. He would never wish something so horrible on his worst enemy, which was a cliche he would never admit, or one that he thought he would ever find himself thinking. He did know that Sonny was right however, and that his first time seeing the video shouldn’t be when he’s being interrogated by Barnes and Graves. He sighed gently, and closed his eyes slowly before nodding his head.

“Fine. But you’re not watching it alone.”

Sonny only nodded, and his leg slowly stopped bouncing as a new feeling entered his stomach — one that he recognized and knew well.

Dread.

He stood, somewhat shakily, just as Liv motioned for him to step behind her desk. He inhaled deeply, hoping that the action would help to steady him. Olivia offered her seat to him, and he sat without question, knowing that his knees would give out if he stood while watching it. Barba came to stand behind him, while Liv stayed off to the side.

Olivia took one last look at Sonny before clicking on the correct file and pulling up QuickTime, and she watched closely as he sucked in a sharp breath, a small gasp falling from his lips at the image that was now displayed on the screen.

Just like the photo from three days before, she was tied up and gagged and scared, but she looked weaker than before, and she was only wearing her underwear. A wave of nausea hit and Sonny swallowed hard, and Olivia hit play.

He could hear Bryan breathing from behind the camera, but she wasn’t making a sound. And in fact, as the camera moved closer to her, she began to glare, harder and harder and Sonny felt the disgusting pride swell in his chest at the brutal fire in her eyes.

Bryan grabbed her jaw, pushing her cheeks together and forcing her lips to purse. She violently shook her head once before attempting to thrash her arms, but she didn’t get very far with that. The ropes are too tight.

“Say hi to your husband, baby,” Bryan drawls, his voice dripping with something callous and evil that sets Sonny’s skin on fire, even more so than the fact that he called her “baby”.

Bryan pulls the gag from her lips, and she gasps for air. She grits her teeth together, but stays silent. When she fails to speak, Bryan laughs, and the sound sets Sonny on edge.

“Is someone nervous?”

“Fuck you.”

“Again? We just finished not too long ago, sweetheart.”

She stayed quiet again. Sonny felt like he was going to vomit, but he pushes the feeling down. He’s gotten really good at doing that in the last six days — at pushing all of his feelings down and away and locking them behind thick walls. He can feel Olivia’s worried eyes on him, but he ignores them.

“You wanna tell him about that, huh? You wanna tell your dear little husband what I did to you? What you _let me_ do to you?”

This time, she flinched when Bryan says the word “husband”, almost subtle enough to where Sonny wouldn’t have noticed if he weren’t paying such close attention.

“I didn’t _let you_ do anything.”

“Mm, you did put up a pretty good fight. I liked it.”

Sonny didn’t want to see anymore, didn’t want to hear anymore, but he couldn’t stop watching. He had to see it for himself, he had to.

The video continued for a few minutes, Bryan going into sick detail with every heinous act he performed or otherwise forced her into, because he knew Sonny would see the video, and he knew what it would do to him. Sonny’s stomach twisted with each second that passed. Around the four minute mark, he watched as Bryan’s hand moved into frame to stroke her cheek. He was just about to turn away, hating the way he touched her so tenderly when he was using her as nothing more than the sick focus in this game he was playing, when he watched her snap her head to the right, and in one swift, solid motion, she had his hand in her mouth and she was biting down, hard.

Bryan’s screams echoed through the speakers, and Sonny found himself smirking. She had a good grip on him for several seconds before he managed to pull away, an evident bloody bite mark on the back of his hand. His screaming continues, and Sonny actually lets out a chuckle that only causes Olivia to be even more concerned for her detective.

But then suddenly, Sonny isn’t laughing anymore, because Bryan strikes her with the end of his gun, and the wound in her eyebrow splits open again. She groans, only briefly before she regains her composure, refusing to show how much pain she was actually in. She’s grinning, and Bryan is cursing.

“You’re going to pay for that,” Bryan says, a sadistic edge to his voice that put Sonny on complete alert.

She chuckled, her grin quickly turning into a smirk that Sonny recognized. It was the same smirk she wore when she was being stubborn, or when she was challenging something or in this case, someone.

“Goddammit” Sonny muttered the second he saw it, because he knew her well enough to know that she was about to open her mouth when she should have just kept it shut.

“Bring it. Can’t get any worse than having you on top of me, can it?”

Not a moment later, a single shot rang through the speakers, causing Sonny to jump in his chair, though he knew he should have been prepared for it.

He could see her eyes widen, but she didn’t scream. She didn’t make a single noise whatsoever. She only stared at some faraway spot, her eyes watering and her jaw falling slack as she faded away into a state of shock while Bryan laughed maliciously. He grabbed her cheeks again, and held them tightly while he forced her to look into the camera.

“You have anything you want to say to Sonny now? Huh?” he yelled, and before she could answer, Olivia bent down and exited out of the video.

“What are you-”

“That’s enough. She didn’t say anything, anyway.”

“But-”

“Sonny,” Barba murmured, calling him such for maybe the first time ever. “It only had a few seconds left. You didn’t need to see anymore of it.”

Sonny sat there for several seconds, staring at the computer screen as he tried to decipher the emotions running through his brain. He couldn’t figure out how to feel, or how to make himself feel it. He had no clue what to do or what to say after what he had just witnessed. He still felt numb, though his chest felt a little bit emptier than it had before he walked into the office. There was a hint of anger, but nothing compared to what he had been feeling all week. If the movies and the books were right, he should have been screaming, and crying, much like he had done on the phone with his mother. He should have been inconsolable. Losing his mind and throwing things, but he didn’t have the urge to do any of that. At the very least, he thought that he should have been having a similar reaction Nick’s, but there was just _nothing_, though he had a feeling it would come later, when the lights were out and he was alone.

There was, however, two things that he was absolutely certain of.

“She didn’t need to speak to say it,” Sonny mumbled quietly. “She said that she’s sorry, and that she loves me.”

Olivia raised an eyebrow in confusion. “What do you-”

“I could see it in her eyes, Liv. You’re with a person long enough and you don’t need to use words to say what you mean.”

“I think you two-” Olivia hesitated as tears sprung to her eyes. It was hard enough losing a friend, but it was even harder watching her other friend deal with losing his wife. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone love someone like you two loved each other.”

“You mean ‘love’.”

She sighed, gently, shuffling her feet against the floor. “You know what I mean.”

“She’s still alive.”

“Sonny-”

“I’m bein’ serious.”

Olivia stayed silent, again not knowing what to say to her detective. He had been forced to grieve for his wife once already, and just when he was getting to a place where there was more hope than there was sorrow, the hope that was left in finding her alive vanished, and now, he had to grieve her death. He had to go through the five stages of grief all over again, though he had never really finished the cycle before, and denial was the first. It was textbook-

“We didn’t see where he shot her, did we?” he said, interrupting her thought process.

“No, but-”

“So he could have shot her in the damn foot for all we know. She could still-”

“If she had been shot in the foot, it’s unlikely that she would have reacted the way that she had. And even so, the infection would kill her. Bryan can’t take her to a hospital.”

Barba nodded his head along with Olivia. “What even makes you think that she’s still alive? I mean, the odds are definitely not in her favor.”

“But the odds aren’t completely zero, are they?”

“It’s…” Barba sighed, knowing Olivia wasn’t going to like what he had to say. “It’s possible. We’ve certainly seen people survive worse than a gunshot to the foot.”

“But like Carisi said,” Olivia added, clearly agitated. “We didn’t see where the bullet hit. It could have hit an artery, or her stomach.”

“So we should stop searching for my wife because of a ‘maybe’?”

Olivia didn’t have anything to say. She didn’t know _what_ to say. As a friend, she wanted to say no, but as an officer of the law, she wanted to say that there was nothing else that they could do, not until they had a substantial lead that could possibly lead them anywhere. They couldn’t even trace the video and the email back to an IP address, for some reason that they still couldn’t quite figure out.

“Liv, I’m not gonna to stop looking for her until there’s a body.”

“I know,” she sighed, running a hand through her hair and averting her gaze from Sonny. “But I still think you need to stay away from this. You’re going to drive yourself mad. You’re loyal to a fault, Carisi, and it’s going to cost you your own mental health.”

“It’s not even about loyalty.”

Olivia shifted her eyes back to Sonny, and patiently waited for him to finish the thought that was hanging off of the tip of his tongue. He sat still for a moment, almost seeming to be lost in thought before he turned to face Barba, and folded his arms across his chest.

“You asked me why I think she’s still alive?”

Barba nodded once, his lips pursed as he waited alongside Olivia. Sonny hesitated again, though this time the pause was shorter than before.

“Because I don’t know that she’s dead.”


End file.
